a brand spanking new blogpost. And here's what I have to say.
FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKITYFUCKFUCK. I am so pissed off right now I can't contain my language. I can't believe my horrible fortune right at this moment.
DISCLAIMER: YES, I am a fortunate human being to live in this free country, have a job, a home, full fridge, spouse, child. . . yes, yes. I am an extremely fortunate person.
A recent, temporary series of events has conspired to make me feel rather unlucky and unfortunate at this moment. As a good friend described it - 'the dark night of the soul.'
I feel as if I am entering the dark night right now. I'm lonely, angry, upset. I feel cheated, put-upon, cornered, and rejected.
The logical Sharon knows this is not true and only a passing feeling. When the anger subsides, I will sort through this and make sense of it all. Hell, I might actually learn something. Stay tuned, Dears, while I attempt to sort this whole crazy thing out.
Thursday, January 5, 2012
Monday, August 22, 2011
Another lesson learned
After making it at work for approximately one hour, stumbling around and forgetting my words as I was speaking them, I decided to go home and rest. Four hours later, I woke up feeling slightly better and I had a little appetite. By dinnertime, I was feeling right as the rain currently pouring down.
Again, atrial fibrillation won't kill you, but it will sure make you stumble around like a zombie for a while. The lack of oxygen to the brain makes you do silly things, like lean in doorways to prop yourself up, give you a perma-scowl because you can't think, and make you stop mid-sentence because you can't remember what you were just saying.
Suffice to say, at dinner, I put back half of what I had intended to eat. And it was all delicious food, too: grilled chicken, corn with lime/cilantro butter, zucchini from the garden and homemade spanish rice. I could have easily eaten till I was sick. Indeed, the last time I ate like that (Saturday in Bellevue), I did get sick. . . for three days.
So now, instead of eating till I think I'm full, which is waaay too full, I am considering portion sizes by eyeballing, and paring down as I'm eating. It's easy at home, because I can just put food back onto the serving plates. Maybe not so easy in a restaurant.
I had plenty of everything and I even had room for a cup of tea and a cookie for dessert.
Again, lesson learned: Don't be a glutton! I'm fortunate to live in a country where there's more food where that came from.
As promised, I will soon be writing about my break-up with raw veggies. Very sad.
Again, atrial fibrillation won't kill you, but it will sure make you stumble around like a zombie for a while. The lack of oxygen to the brain makes you do silly things, like lean in doorways to prop yourself up, give you a perma-scowl because you can't think, and make you stop mid-sentence because you can't remember what you were just saying.
Suffice to say, at dinner, I put back half of what I had intended to eat. And it was all delicious food, too: grilled chicken, corn with lime/cilantro butter, zucchini from the garden and homemade spanish rice. I could have easily eaten till I was sick. Indeed, the last time I ate like that (Saturday in Bellevue), I did get sick. . . for three days.
So now, instead of eating till I think I'm full, which is waaay too full, I am considering portion sizes by eyeballing, and paring down as I'm eating. It's easy at home, because I can just put food back onto the serving plates. Maybe not so easy in a restaurant.
I had plenty of everything and I even had room for a cup of tea and a cookie for dessert.
Again, lesson learned: Don't be a glutton! I'm fortunate to live in a country where there's more food where that came from.
As promised, I will soon be writing about my break-up with raw veggies. Very sad.
Sunday, August 21, 2011
Curiouser and curiouser. . .
Hmmm. Went to the Taste of Old Bellevue yesterday and tasted, and tasted, and tasted. Rigatoni, lox, asian salad and sausage rolls, donuts filled with nutella, sliders, bratwurst, cupcakes, pizza (two kinds), strawberry lemonade, carnitas, arnold palmers, salted caramels.
Then, I was bloated all the rest of the day and all night and this morning, too. Yesterday afternoon and this afternoon, I felt weak, sorta dizzy and disoriented, sleepy, and like I couldn't catch my breath. All that led naturally to massive crankiness. Any guesses? Anybody?
Yep, I was in atrial fibrillation today and yesterday. A-fib, as it's called by the select few, is a nasty little electrical problem with the heart beat that causes the upper chambers of your heart to quiver instead of beat regularly. It is not life-threatening in as much as gravity assists in pulling the blood down from the atria into the ventricles, which are beating normally and deliver blood to your body, albeit in a slightly decreased capacity. Hence, the crankiness.
Same thing happened almost a year ago when I was still on the Farm. I had a fairly substantial lunch with my girls and I came back upstairs feeling just 'not right." I went down to the handy-dandy blood pressure machine on the second floor and I threw numbers of 95 pulse and something like 90/60 blood pressure. Those are textbook a-fib numbers: high pulse, low blood pressure.
So, a little kink in the undiet plan. Rather, a little change of plans. No eating till I'm stuffed. . . ever. Not to sound like a major drama queen but overeating can equal a stroke for me. That's a huge overexaggeration, to be sure. Overeating can trigger a-fib. A-fib can trigger a stroke due to blood pooling in the atria, coagulating, and then breaking off into the blood stream and lodging into my brain. Hence, overeating can cause me to have a stroke.
I will still be eating what I want, when I want, but no more eating how much I want. Let the "selective" undiet begin!
Next time: Dear veggies, I like you. I just don't *like* you.
Then, I was bloated all the rest of the day and all night and this morning, too. Yesterday afternoon and this afternoon, I felt weak, sorta dizzy and disoriented, sleepy, and like I couldn't catch my breath. All that led naturally to massive crankiness. Any guesses? Anybody?
Yep, I was in atrial fibrillation today and yesterday. A-fib, as it's called by the select few, is a nasty little electrical problem with the heart beat that causes the upper chambers of your heart to quiver instead of beat regularly. It is not life-threatening in as much as gravity assists in pulling the blood down from the atria into the ventricles, which are beating normally and deliver blood to your body, albeit in a slightly decreased capacity. Hence, the crankiness.
Same thing happened almost a year ago when I was still on the Farm. I had a fairly substantial lunch with my girls and I came back upstairs feeling just 'not right." I went down to the handy-dandy blood pressure machine on the second floor and I threw numbers of 95 pulse and something like 90/60 blood pressure. Those are textbook a-fib numbers: high pulse, low blood pressure.
So, a little kink in the undiet plan. Rather, a little change of plans. No eating till I'm stuffed. . . ever. Not to sound like a major drama queen but overeating can equal a stroke for me. That's a huge overexaggeration, to be sure. Overeating can trigger a-fib. A-fib can trigger a stroke due to blood pooling in the atria, coagulating, and then breaking off into the blood stream and lodging into my brain. Hence, overeating can cause me to have a stroke.
I will still be eating what I want, when I want, but no more eating how much I want. Let the "selective" undiet begin!
Next time: Dear veggies, I like you. I just don't *like* you.
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
A different type of hunger
So, I was racing to meet a friend at 5:45pm last Wednesday and I had to get from Lakewood to Lacey during rush hour, plus I had no gas in the car.
*Crap! I'm gonna be late.*
I stopped at Safeway in Lakewood to fill up and grab a Coke Zero (No matter how hard I undiet, I will not drink sugared soda. I don't have a death wish.).
A little backstory will help at this point - I was coming from the doctor's office after my annual girlie exam, so I was in slight pain, major embarrassment and humiliation, and completely frazzled.
So, along with my Coke Zero, I grabbed a bag of black pepper Kettle chips, mainly to be a snack to hold me over till dinner with my friend and her grandson, but also to soothe my hurt pride and modesty.
Chips and soda in hand, I race off to Lacey to make it to friend's house on time, which I did. Baby boy was adorable, friend was welcoming as usual. We went out for a walk around Capitol Lake, my first time and it was beautiful. We walked, caught up, cooed and goochy-goo'd at baby, and Friend got hit on by an old codger who told her she "looked good for an old biddy." In context, it really was a compliment. Alas, Baby "chucked a wobbly" in public, as Friend from NZ put it and we had to bundle him up screaming in the car seat and drive away before someone called CPS on us.
We went back to her house after our walk and made baby laugh till he caught hiccups and we were laughing hysterically with him. I held him, she held him. He sucked down a bottle like it was nothing and ended up burping and farting simultaneously. We watched TV for a while and had soda. All in all, a marvellous evening.
I raced back home just in time to kiss Husband - who was pouting about me being out all evening - and flop blissfully into bed at 10pm.
*Wait a minute! I didn't get dinner!!*
Baby was screaming so loudly out in public, we didn't stop at a cafe to eat. I hadn't had anything to eat since a bag of chips at 5pm and I worked up a sweat walking around Capitol Lake at a mountain-climber's pace. Geezus. . . I didn't get dinner.
My next realization was that I wasn't hungry. All that time out and energy spent and I was no more peckish than when I eat a full dinner at 7pm. Hmmm. . .
That's when it dawned on me. . . I didn't satisfy my physical hunger, but I more than sated my psychic hunger.
First, the doctor says I'm healthy, despite my shameless display of lady-parts. That's a good thing. Plus, I only have to go every three years now that I, too, am an old biddy. Health is a good thing.
I had an amazing bag of chips - guilt free. I got fresh air walking around a beautiful lake in a beautiful city with my WA-BFF and her adorable grandson. We goofed off through the evening into the night, sharing many genuine belly-laughs in the process, with Baby indulging in most of them.
I didn't miss food at all. I didn't even think about it.
Fast forward to yesterday, I am covering the receptionist's desk this week, as she is my subordinate, and I am her cover. When I do her job, I can't do my job, which adds to the stress. Everything in her work area is dingy and unorganized; whereas, I obsessively clean and organize my office. I hate being interrupted because I analyze data for a living and the phone rings approximately every two minutes. I found a money order lying on the floor that has been missing for 3 months and a whole stack of unfinished work she has crammed away/hidden dating back four years. Did I mention that she goes apeshit if you even try to admonish her and she has been labeled the office bully?
A box of petunias I had planted to spruce the place up had withered away beyond rehydration because nobody watered it this week (including and especially me). I wiped down a radiator in the waiting room and my rag came up pitch black. I rubbed a clean spot on the front door, so now I'm possessed by the need to clean both doors and polish the brass fixtures. Everywhere I looked, I found dirt, disorganization, and apathy. I spent over 10 hours at work yesterday trying to do everything at once.
Guess what I had for dinner last night? A lot of chips and a big ole fro yo with nuts, coconut, and caramel sauce. Oh, then I came home and went out for a beer with the hub. I shoveled and shoveled the food and alcohol in, but could not fill up the gaping hole in my psyche.
Same thing today. Lots of hassle and interruption at work. Ground in dirt everywhere. Yesterday, someone found broken glass at the bottom of our playground slide and the maintenance man, when confronted with said glass, laughed it off. So, now the preschool next door and our own five small shelter children can't use the playground on a nice, sunny summer day due to his apathy.
Guess what I had for dinner tonight? McDs. I know I am a big, grown girl and I am capable of making the healthy choices if I want to. Nobody carjacked me and forced me through the drive thru.
I also know that I have been under tremendous work stress this week, well on the trajectory for 40+ hours. I haven't visited my friends, aka my lifeblood, without whom I would shrivel up and die. My nails are ragged, my leg stubble becoming silkier by the day, my neck tense enough to warrant an asian beat down, uh massage.
I am beginning to recognize these stressors as they're coming up and acknowledge the detrimental effect they have on my ability to make good life choices. So, I put my stubbly pale legs into a pair of shorts and walked the trails behind my house for 20 minutes. It's beautiful out there and I saw some wonderous things - like a two-story spider web and a little white foxglove in bloom, and the sun glinting off Puget Sound as it set. Ahhhh.
Psychic hunger versus physical hunger. I'm learning to tell the difference and ingest the appropriate nourishment at the right time.
PREVIEW: Super cool stuff. I bought the book "Savor: Mindful Eating, Mindful Life" by Thich Nhat Hanh (SuperBuddhist) and Dr. Lilian Cheung. Excerpts and reflections to come. Looks awesome!
Postscript: I read a few minimalist blogs and saw the following phrase that I have adopted as a mantra. Maybe it will help you:
"Food is not entertainment."
*Crap! I'm gonna be late.*
I stopped at Safeway in Lakewood to fill up and grab a Coke Zero (No matter how hard I undiet, I will not drink sugared soda. I don't have a death wish.).
A little backstory will help at this point - I was coming from the doctor's office after my annual girlie exam, so I was in slight pain, major embarrassment and humiliation, and completely frazzled.
So, along with my Coke Zero, I grabbed a bag of black pepper Kettle chips, mainly to be a snack to hold me over till dinner with my friend and her grandson, but also to soothe my hurt pride and modesty.
Chips and soda in hand, I race off to Lacey to make it to friend's house on time, which I did. Baby boy was adorable, friend was welcoming as usual. We went out for a walk around Capitol Lake, my first time and it was beautiful. We walked, caught up, cooed and goochy-goo'd at baby, and Friend got hit on by an old codger who told her she "looked good for an old biddy." In context, it really was a compliment. Alas, Baby "chucked a wobbly" in public, as Friend from NZ put it and we had to bundle him up screaming in the car seat and drive away before someone called CPS on us.
We went back to her house after our walk and made baby laugh till he caught hiccups and we were laughing hysterically with him. I held him, she held him. He sucked down a bottle like it was nothing and ended up burping and farting simultaneously. We watched TV for a while and had soda. All in all, a marvellous evening.
I raced back home just in time to kiss Husband - who was pouting about me being out all evening - and flop blissfully into bed at 10pm.
*Wait a minute! I didn't get dinner!!*
Baby was screaming so loudly out in public, we didn't stop at a cafe to eat. I hadn't had anything to eat since a bag of chips at 5pm and I worked up a sweat walking around Capitol Lake at a mountain-climber's pace. Geezus. . . I didn't get dinner.
My next realization was that I wasn't hungry. All that time out and energy spent and I was no more peckish than when I eat a full dinner at 7pm. Hmmm. . .
That's when it dawned on me. . . I didn't satisfy my physical hunger, but I more than sated my psychic hunger.
First, the doctor says I'm healthy, despite my shameless display of lady-parts. That's a good thing. Plus, I only have to go every three years now that I, too, am an old biddy. Health is a good thing.
I had an amazing bag of chips - guilt free. I got fresh air walking around a beautiful lake in a beautiful city with my WA-BFF and her adorable grandson. We goofed off through the evening into the night, sharing many genuine belly-laughs in the process, with Baby indulging in most of them.
I didn't miss food at all. I didn't even think about it.
Fast forward to yesterday, I am covering the receptionist's desk this week, as she is my subordinate, and I am her cover. When I do her job, I can't do my job, which adds to the stress. Everything in her work area is dingy and unorganized; whereas, I obsessively clean and organize my office. I hate being interrupted because I analyze data for a living and the phone rings approximately every two minutes. I found a money order lying on the floor that has been missing for 3 months and a whole stack of unfinished work she has crammed away/hidden dating back four years. Did I mention that she goes apeshit if you even try to admonish her and she has been labeled the office bully?
A box of petunias I had planted to spruce the place up had withered away beyond rehydration because nobody watered it this week (including and especially me). I wiped down a radiator in the waiting room and my rag came up pitch black. I rubbed a clean spot on the front door, so now I'm possessed by the need to clean both doors and polish the brass fixtures. Everywhere I looked, I found dirt, disorganization, and apathy. I spent over 10 hours at work yesterday trying to do everything at once.
Guess what I had for dinner last night? A lot of chips and a big ole fro yo with nuts, coconut, and caramel sauce. Oh, then I came home and went out for a beer with the hub. I shoveled and shoveled the food and alcohol in, but could not fill up the gaping hole in my psyche.
Same thing today. Lots of hassle and interruption at work. Ground in dirt everywhere. Yesterday, someone found broken glass at the bottom of our playground slide and the maintenance man, when confronted with said glass, laughed it off. So, now the preschool next door and our own five small shelter children can't use the playground on a nice, sunny summer day due to his apathy.
Guess what I had for dinner tonight? McDs. I know I am a big, grown girl and I am capable of making the healthy choices if I want to. Nobody carjacked me and forced me through the drive thru.
I also know that I have been under tremendous work stress this week, well on the trajectory for 40+ hours. I haven't visited my friends, aka my lifeblood, without whom I would shrivel up and die. My nails are ragged, my leg stubble becoming silkier by the day, my neck tense enough to warrant an asian beat down, uh massage.
I am beginning to recognize these stressors as they're coming up and acknowledge the detrimental effect they have on my ability to make good life choices. So, I put my stubbly pale legs into a pair of shorts and walked the trails behind my house for 20 minutes. It's beautiful out there and I saw some wonderous things - like a two-story spider web and a little white foxglove in bloom, and the sun glinting off Puget Sound as it set. Ahhhh.
Psychic hunger versus physical hunger. I'm learning to tell the difference and ingest the appropriate nourishment at the right time.
PREVIEW: Super cool stuff. I bought the book "Savor: Mindful Eating, Mindful Life" by Thich Nhat Hanh (SuperBuddhist) and Dr. Lilian Cheung. Excerpts and reflections to come. Looks awesome!
Postscript: I read a few minimalist blogs and saw the following phrase that I have adopted as a mantra. Maybe it will help you:
"Food is not entertainment."
Friday, August 12, 2011
Quick update
I tried to "mindfully" eat my Chobani pineapple yogurt this morning for a snack. I only ate 1/2 to 2/3 of it and got full. Curious. . . I will continue with this experiment and report back with my observations. :-)
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
Another great food post. . .
http://zenhabits.net/the-zen-of-real-food-keeping-eating-simple/
I promise I will think up something original soon to write. I am writing for pay at the moment, and that zaps all my creative energy. Zen eating. . . worth exploring.
WARNING: This is the website my laptop caught a virus from, but ONLY because I started clicking links within links. Stay away from "Zen to Fitness." :-)
I promise I will think up something original soon to write. I am writing for pay at the moment, and that zaps all my creative energy. Zen eating. . . worth exploring.
WARNING: This is the website my laptop caught a virus from, but ONLY because I started clicking links within links. Stay away from "Zen to Fitness." :-)
Saturday, August 6, 2011
Nuff Said. . .
And I've only just read the first paragraph. Did I mention how much I *love* Zen Habits?
http://zenhabits.net/basics/#more-8277
http://zenhabits.net/basics/#more-8277
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